And to think, I wanted a girl…..

And to think I wanted a girl…..

12 years ago I wanted a girl. I wanted a girl more than anything, I searched the internet for a girl. I wanted a girl. Girl girl girl. But girls were too expensive, they were twice as much as boys. But I wanted a girl. I wanted a girl so bad. I wanted to find a way to get a girl so I could put bows in her hair and put her in pink outfits. So she could be my little girlfriend that I so desperately craved. I needed a girl. But what I got 12 years ago was a boy. And he has been the best blessing of something I didn't want or think that I would love. I found him on a weekend and asked my sister to pay for half, he was $400, I only had $250 saved up from something, who knows, it isn't like I ever had a job! So off we drove to meet this lady with boys. Only boys. I had my eyes on this chocolate one. But when I got there and saw these three dogs, the only three left from the liter, I didn't want the dark one. I wanted the smallest one, I think he was the runt. He was this little white ball of smoke smelling fluff, the breeder had a cig the entire time and no teeth! I made a deal with her and took the little white one, I would name him Mr. Big.

Big has been the very best friend I could have asked for, he has loved me unconditionally since the day I got him. He was there for me when I had not a friend in the world. I will always be so grateful for his love. We grew up together and found our soul mates together. I found Luke, and he found Skeeter. We have been there for each other through it all. In 2008 he lost all his hair and even though others didn't think he was still cute, I did. I still loved my dog. A few months ago he started not putting one of his legs down, and since then it has progressively gotten worse. The vet told us a few months ago surgery would be very hard, very expensive, and may not fix the problem. If he was a 2 year old dog, try it, but quality of life it may not be fair to do to him. SO I have let him live the past two months not being able to walk very good. The past month or so he hasn't been able to put either back leg down. He walks on his front two legs. He never really walks, we carry him. The only time he walks is to go potty. I have been avoiding the situation for awhile. Yesterday Monkin brought Big to me from the couch in the living room all the way into our bedroom by his neck. The fact that he made no noise the whole walk, and the look in his eyes when I saw him told me something I had been avoiding. It was his time. This is what I can do for him. He hasn't been able to run or jump or even eat solid food for a year now. He hasn't been himself for awhile. He no longer greets us at the door. He can't get up out of his bed. And so my friend, I am going to do this for you. As hard as it is, today is the day and I am so sad to see you go.

You are the sweetest guy anyone has ever met. You have had a joyful life, and my life will forever be changed by you. I will miss you for now, but I know you will be marking that rainbow bridge waiting and running and playing and barking without hearing "SSHHHHHSSHHHHHHHH" I will see you again someday soon, and we will run up that rainbow bridge to Heaven together. Actually I will carry you, because you never even learned to walk on a leash!

And thank you for waiting until I had my other boy……. your timing I will forever be grateful, I know you know I will be ok.

And to think I wanted a girl………..Thank you God for little boys!



I love you piggies,
Mommy

Baby Levon!

And what a year it's been......our year started off on a somewhat depressing note, all part of God's mighty plan I realize now, but I have to say spending New Years Eve in bed crying, watching old family videos of Luke's Dad wasn't the way most bring in the New Year. We had a fertility treatment, our first attempt in that world a few weeks before and found out that day it didn't work, and I was yet again NOT pregnant. So I stayed in bed for about two days straight, at that point in my life I felt so hopeless and thought it just may never happen. My sister had just found out a few weeks before she was expecting again and I was so happy for her but for the first time in my life a little jealous of her. You aren't suppose to be jealous of your very best friend, or your sister, so the guilt of my emotions were getting to me as well. But I knew somehow I had to go on and this was again a road block God had in my life. He hasn't ever made things easy for me, on the surface it may seem like I have always had the easiest most spoiled life, but really on the inside, God has tested my will and strength too many times to count.
In January my family suffered a major loss, we were told one morning January 6, I believe, that my sweet cousin John Ryan had decided it was his time to be with the Lord. It was a very hard time, so many questions to why things happen the way they do and so much sorrow for his Brother, my buddy Tyler, sister and parents. Our whole family was in shock and it is still very hard to process. As this year comes to a close, my heart goes out to my whole family, today at Gran and Paps's Family Christmas I won't be the only one missing.
On February 20, 2012- I woke up, looked in the mirror and decided for the time being I was going to make a change in my life. I quit drinking alcohol. It was an effort that took a lot of strength, which let me get this straight, I am not an alcoholic or addicted by any means, I just enjoyed drinking my Miller Lights, but I decided I didn't like how present alcohol was in my life at the time and really thought maybe this is what God wants me to do in order to show I am responsible enough to have a child. I have always thought through all this that God loved me and Lucas a little more than your average couple, and wanted the timing to be perfect in our lives before he blessed us with a biological or adopted child. I always knew, as hard as it was, this was part of God's plan. This was a test of strength as well, as your drink with dinner, or with friends was such a natural habit, but eventually after about a week or two I realized, I didn't need it and I liked who the real me was! I also started eating lots of ice cream and sweets, which is something I never even craved! I think I gained about 7 lbs, Thanks for that too God!


In April we came home from work one day only to realized our house and neighborhood was hit very bad by that darn tornado! Our entire shed, which had kind of become our pack-rat storage for any and everything had been smooshed by a huge tree. Everything in there was ruined. Our fences around our whole house were gone, we met our neighbors behind us , but our home looked terrible. Our actual house was not hit, a little roof damage, but nothing too terrible, we were lucky there. But I remember walking out side of our house on "Operation Tornado Clean Up Day" at our home, and saying " God, isn't this enough, haven't we been through enough?" I remember thinking we need some good luck to come our way and I thought at that very moment, maybe I am pregnant or maybe I will be very soon, maybe this is the final blow to our little sail....... And it was!
The next month in May, I found out I was pregnant after probably our most effortless attempt at "trying", we aren't even sure it is our baby, I may be like Mary, but we got 7 positive pregnancy tests! Or however the story goes!


The next 9 months seems like a blur, I can't even remember what has happened, I know there was a very failed vacation to San Antonio because I was just 6 weeks pregnant and got so sick with respiratory stuff, that we had to come home in fear of my body getting to run down for our little bean. My sister made it through the hot summer months and I got to experience meeting my sister's second beautiful blessing, Landry, whom has changed our lives forever with his cute cheeks, chubby body and serious approach in everything he takes on in life, he is not a jokester like Cale, Landry is on a more serious cruise ship! We also welcomed another nephew very shortly after, named Levi, who is such a sweet little guy!

So our last nine months have been new for us, watching me grow, seeing how this all really works, because honestly, your sister or best friend can be pregnant but you really do not get "it" until it happens to you. Lucas and I have been amazed at what my body just does naturally to develop this baby, and how Jackson and I just keep growing together and somehow we both know what we need to do in order to make it through. I still do not have stretch marks, I haven't gained too much weight, although much more came on in my 3rd trimester- like 8 lbs in one week, my belly button hasn't popped out, and I do not have that line on my tummy! I have been pretty lucky through all this, no varicose veins, no morning sickness, really I have been so afraid of everything and God decided to give me a pretty easy pregnancy. Besides all the pressure and uncomfortableness of the last two moths, I can honestly say, I think I can do this again........


That being said, God threw a curveball my way. I started not feeling well on Sunday of last week, I woke up with a splitting headache, but didn't think anything of it. I went to my appointment on Monday for my sono and check, and my blood pressure was slightly raised, 150/90's. But they took it later and it went down to 135/87, and they said I was fine to go home. I am a hypochondriac, so I already didn't feel fine, and was going to monitor it at home even though they said I didn't have to, I carry a blood pressure cuff with my at all times, hypo- and so I decided to keep watching. On Tuesday I went home from work at about 12:00 pm, because I just didn't feel well, I couldn't pin point it, now I know it is high liver enzymes making me feel run down, but I just didn't feel well. I missed my Hadley's dance recital that Monday because I felt bad too. But Tuesday I went home, rested, but had to get up because I had a hair appointment, dedication-I know, but I took my Blood pressure and it was 160's/90's. I went to my hair appt and texted my sister, this all happened to her at about 36 weeks with her kids too. She told me to go to the hospital, I had bleach on my hair, so that had to wait, but I kind of knew I needed to. I went home took it again and it was still high, so I called my Dr's office and the on call Dr told me to go to the emergency room, they would just run tests and probably send me home. I was very reluctant, didn't want to go because while I did want them to tell me I couldn't work anymore, I didn't want bed rest and I could sense that that was around the corner. They did tests, took bp, etc and told me I had to stay because my liver enzymes, and had to do a 24 hour test here in the hospital. As scared and depressed as I was I could do this 24 hour test, I could spend one night here and get my job done, and go home. They would probably put me on bed rest, no big deal. At least I would be at home. Poor Lucas had to sleep on the awful couch here with me, I have never stayed in the hospital except when I was a baby, and I am a scared person, so I was so happy I have the kind of husband who would stay with me. The whole next day I did my testing, my sister and Mom came to visit, but I thought the whole day I was going home at 11:00 PM that night. But then they told me I would stay another night and be released in the morning pending my test, which probably were fine because my blood pressure readings were looking better and swelling was better once I had been off my feet...... At 4:00 AM they came in and told me , I wasn't going anywhere. I had Preeclampsia, and I was here to stay until we have this baby. I was to get a sono that day, and if the baby's growth had stopped, we would induce, but luckily he is still having a very good time in there, very tight living quarters he has made for himself, being that I am only 5'1 and he is a small giant, but he is still looking great. Plus we were told he has huge chubby cheeks and a button nose. But baby Jackson gets to stay in there for now.

SO I am here, through Christmas, can't leave. It is awful, and I cry many times a day, I think the time of year makes it worse. All the nurses are very nice, and I have lots of flowers, and Lucas brought me a Christmas tree and presents for it, decorated it and everything. My family have all said they will take turns coming up here on Christmas Day to spend time with me. I can't imagine missing my family Christmas at Mom and Dads. It really is my favorite part of the entire year...... I have never missed it. We have such a close family, My mom and sister are my best friends, I work everyday in a small office with only my brother and dad, so I know it will be weird without me there to everyone not just me. I won't get to see Hadley, Cale, Will or Landry get all their presents from Granmommie and Pappy, which we all know they put the "S" in spoil! I love watching them get so spoiled on Christmas just like how we did growing up, it looks like a toy store in their house on Christmas morning, I think Santa stops by their house still too! But I can do this, and everyday I am here is one more day our baby cooks and grows. We are trying to get to 38 weeks, but we will do whatever they decide is best for Jackson, and me. Since being here, his lungs have gotten 5 days older, which is what we want, we want those lungs to develop as much as they can so when he comes out in to this world, he can stay with us, and not have to go to NICU. My Dr says babies with Mommies like me may have been preparing their whole life for this, he may have known in some way he has to work a little harder at growing because his Mommy is going to have some trouble, so he needs to practice breathing and everything else harder than some babies at this point, kind of survival of the fittest. I know in my heart we will both be fine, it is just a waiting game at this point. We will induce if my bp goes above 160/110's, my protein levels get higher or blood work changes, so it is just a day by day thing. A very nice nurse let me walk down the hall yesterday and look at all the baby pictures on the wall, that was the highlight of my day! I was getting stir crazy in this room, which gets smaller everyday.......

My family and I have of course found the humor in all this, we think he may be born on Christmas Day, which is so much pressure on Luke and I! (hello, Mary and Joseph, I get it!) We have nicknamed him "Levon" for the time being like the Elton John song, "born on Christmas Day......" So we all laugh thinking of Levon Jackson Ward! LOL! I swear we can find humor in anything in my family, that is how our disfunction works, we just laugh our way through the hard times, and somehow always come out on top.

So here we are, wow not to mention my Mom's surgery which was so hard to watch her go through, but she is doing so much better now- what a year this has been!

Please keep me and Levon in your prayers, we will need the strength and good wishes in the coming days/weeks.

(Baby's room, it can be finished later!)

(my sweet Lucas did laundry for me, so I could have lots of PJ options and brought it up here in a bag, half wet for me to fold!)

(Flowers from my Aunt Sheryl!)

(My Christmas Tree!)

(Flowers, Flowers, Flowers, keep them coming! JK!)













Merry Christmas to all! May God bless you all!

Love,
Levon and his Mom!

Happy Birthday Luke!

Happy Birthday Lucas! It's his first birthday as a Real-Live Daddy! We both love you!!!!

It's funny to look through the phone and see how big I have gotten! Here is 6 weeks- 28 weeks! Enjoy!

(6 weeks)

(10 weeks)

(15 weeks)

(18weeks)

(19 weeks)

(20 weeks)

(21 weeks)

(21 weeks and 5 days)

(22 weeks)

(22 weeks and 2 days)

(22 weeks and 2 days)

(24 weeks)

(25 weeks)

(27 weeks)

(and today, 28 weeks!)

Lucas asked me if anyone has ever walked in on me at my office snapping photos, the answer is NO, thank God- How embarassing! But we will have these memories forever! What a blessing!

About 28 weeks!

We are about 28 weeks along, after I told everyone for about the past two weeks I was 28 weeks pregnant, the Doctor informed me I will be 28 weeks on Thursday. I do not know why I decided to skip weeks. I feel like Phedra on Housewives of Atlanta lying about my due date! It was not intentional, I just think I woke up and decided I was further along! The past few weeks have gone by slow and each time I reach a new week, I feel like I have repeated it. I even have an app on my phone that says what week I am, but I was still telling people I was 28 weeks! Everytime I looked at the app I just ignored it. I really have no clue why I did that, hormones, maybe, exhaustion, maybe, airhead- most likely! I think all along Lucas knew what week I was, but he kept it to himself! Poor Lucas!

The past few weeks have, well felt like groundhog day since I have been 28 weeks for three weeks, but they have been so exciting! We had my baby shower and it went so well! I was sad because some of my friends couldn't make it, but after all the tears the week leading up to it, it turned out wonderful! My sister loaned her beautiful home, and all my sister in laws and mother in law hosted it to make it perfect! It was nautical themed to match his un-themed nursery. My Mom and I decided we would not do a themed nursery because it is so hard to find perfect decorations, but it ended up very themed! I want him to be very classy and JFK JR. Martha's vineyards- you know very Hamptons chic! I would like him dressed very preppy all the time, which I know won't always happen but this is my visual for him right now. I am sure he will end up being a goth, but I will still love him!

A new thing that has come on in the past few weeks is tears...... about everything. I cry so hard about things that seem so important at the time, but I know once I wrap my head around the issue, it's not that big of a deal. Lucas has to do alot of listening and grabbing toliet paper for me to blow my nose, but he tries to calm me down when he can. Everything makes me cry, the way someone looks at me can bring on automatic tears. He actual asked me if I bought waterproof mascara, because I think he is kind of tired of the black mascara being all over his shirt, my shirt, his pillow, my pillow, Big, Skeeter, the couch, everywhere. I need to pull it together, and I am trying to not let too many tears get in my way this week.

(27 weeks pregnant!)

Jackson's,(Jake, as I think we are going to call him for short)room is sort of coming together. I really need to get some things on his walls and find places for everything. I kind of just stuck his gifts in there. I will try to work on it this weekend. We have had a very busy couple of weeks, but November should slow down a bit, so hopefully we can finish up his room!

We got another sonogram yesterday and he was so cute on the sono screen. He has a tiny turned up piggy nose, and very chubby cheeks. He was moving around like crazy! The pictures they printed didn't turn out that well, hard to see unless you are his mommy and daddy! Luke thinks he looks just like me in one. He says when I am sleeping we look identical! I am hoping he looks like Luke, because he was such a cute baby! I kind of looked like Chucky, with that strawberry blonde hair. I don't know, I just think he will be so cute no matter who he looks like! He is not as big as he was last time,(on the weekly/size chart) which is a relief! He was a linebacker at our 20 week sono! He is now short and fat, which was how I was at birth too, so he may be taking after me! Everything looked great on the sono, everything has been great so far at all my appointments. My only issue is the swelling, but my Doctor just tells me it's all normal. We feel very blessed, and he said we are right on track. His head isn't facing down yet, but he said that is ok. He should get that way in the next couple weeks. I feel like he is falling out already and I told Lucas all weekend he was falling out, but the Doctor told me he isn't. I am not totally convinced!

I am noticing a lot of different things getting in my third trimester- I am alot more tired, hopping up from the couch isn't as easy, bending over isn't easy, I can't see my feet, and all I want to do is eat sweets! I get overly tired from doing very easy things, but I guess it is all normal! Lucas helps alot, he really tries to help me out as much possible. He is learning how to cook the 5 things I know how to cook so he can help with that after he is born too! So far he has learned King Ranch Casserole, Spaghetti, Chicken Taquitos, and Beef and Cabbage. I really only know how to make one other thing, so I think we are pretty good! I just rotate our meals each week!

So here we go, last trimester! So exciting that on Thursday we only have 12 weeks to go! Holy Moly! This really has flown by. Child CPR class tonight, we feel like real live parents! Hopefully it all stays on track, we are so lucky.

The Nursery Progress!

This weekend was a fun one at our household, stressful, but FUN! After thinking the nursery would be painted last weekend, we finally had it confirmed with our painter that Saturday was the day! Luke woke the three(four!) of us up so early Saturday morning, he was so excited, he felt like Christmas morning he said! The painter arrived and started painting after discussing the color, which I was still not sure of, but I decided to just trust it. He started with adding the crown molding, and eventually painting all the trim, baseboards, doors, and beadboard.

Sidenote: When we moved into our home, we thought it would be a few years there, then move on to a bigger, newer home, but as the economy has changed, we are still here. We were very lucky that our house was renovated a few years before we moved in, but the previous owners were "do it yourselfers". Which is great, if you are good at the "yourself" part! They were not so much. So we have done very little to the house, not wanting to put too much money into it, to not see a return on our investment. The neighborhood has gone down hill since 2008 when we moved in, lots of forclosures and just lots of homes built in 1979 that have never been renovated. We really only painted our bedroom and bathroom and added crown molding there, because it was painted a forest green color when we moved in. I guess we also painted a guest room, but it was a powder blue color with star stickers on the walls! The rest of the house, even though we don't love the colors, we have kept the same. Not to mention they painted it all themself, so if you are ever at our house during the day time, don't look up too much, they weren't good painters! The room we chose as our nursery, had beadboard already in it, but was painted an ugly brown color. So we couldn't wait to change it! It has always been my favorite room in the house, and when we moved in I remember my Mom and I saying this room will be perfect for a nursery- cut to 4 years later and we are painting it for our baby! So exciting! And basically I say all this because any improvements we make to our house are so fun and exciting!

He is coming back today to finish a few places, and touch ups, and then we will be able to move the crib in tonight! I am so happy with the result, he is a great a painter, and is so reasonably priced, If anyone needs a painter message me or Lucas. They are very clean too, which I LOVE!

Here are a few before pictures: (the green paint on the walls was a complete hormonal imbalance on my part, I was thinking it would look good painted like a Frog!)

(Daddy watching as his son's nursery is being painted!)

Here are some AFTER pics!

Lucas had his first Daddy Duty too! He put together the crib! He was so excited to put it together and he was super quick and seemed like a pro! We can't wait to put it in the nursery!

And just for laughs, here is what my big butt is looking like now at 22 weeks, not 34! Oh well, what can I do!

Jackson Allen , Baylor Allen- Who Knows! 21 weeks!

(Picture of baby boy at 20 weeks!)

Well, we are now 21 weeks today, and feeling.......BIG! (and swollen)and tired, and hungry!

Alot has happen in the past couple weeks, first of all we went for our big scan and everything looks wonderful with him, his heart is great, no signs of any of the birth defects or problems that some face. We consider ourself so very blessed. I am feeling real official kicks now, what I thought were kicks were not. I think I was feeling round ligament pains or something because they hurt, now I feel what everyone is talking about. The kicks don't hurt, they feel like little waves, or a fish splashing around. Well, at first they did. Now since they are constant, tehy are getting alittle old. I swear he doesn't like me, I would never kick someone as much as he is me. He chose me to be his Mommy, so I hope he decides to get used to me! I mean he is constantly moving around. I swear the kid does not sleep anymore. They say they sleep 18 hours a day, I do not believe that. Mine doesn't! He has had the hiccups a few times, and that feels pretty funny too.

Luke keeps trying to feel my belly, he said he has felt a kick once. I can't wait until he can feel them always!

The Doctor told us he is BIG! AND that he is! As of last Tuesday he already weighed 13 oz, and was 9.3". I am not goin to tell y'all where he should be, but trust me it is a lot smaller. The Doctor said it is fine, lets just hope he slows down, but we will deal with that when it comes time. Closer to 30 weeks he said. My husband was almost 10 lbs, and his brother Mike was like 12 lbs. I was 9 even, so we are in for a big guy! The next question I get from everyone is " Oh you must be eating everything in sight and gaining so much weight" Love that one, but no I am not, I haven't gained much weight at all actually. I have never been blessed with the skinny gene, so I am glad at least God has decided to let my weight slowly creep on! I hear horror stories of the 30 lb weight gain by now, so I am very thankful we haven't had that happen yet! And I am praying it doesn't! BUt whatever happens, happens I guess. It is in God's hands, he will protect us. I am trying to exercise as much as I can, but sometimes it's only about 3 times a week. The past week especially I have been so tired, and leaving for work at 6:45 AM and getting home around 6:30PM is hard work to cram a workout in. I have great pregnancy DVD's though and I will at least get in some yoga when I can.

My biggest problem is my swelling ankles. My Dr says it is fine, but I just hate how it looks, and I get so embarassed! My ankles are huge by the end of the day. Luke will rub them every once in a while and it feels great! I will just have to up my monthly pedicures to every two weeks!

I finally got some maternity pants, and shopping for them was pretty comical to say the least. I brought Luke, who was trying to help, but was more concerned with how my butt looked in all of them than anything else! (he also really likes the belly, which is odd, but I guess better than him being disgusted, he is constantly telling me how beautiful I look!) But he did convince me to go up a size, I never wear my clothes too small, I actually normally buy big because I hate feeling uncomfortable! But for some strange reason maternity clothes I was trying to buy like size 4's! And the women who work in those stores are not pregnant and for some reason show you all the styles they wear...... which is confusing to me! I had a major hot flash while trying to fit into some skinny jeans (not the cut, just made for a skinnier person!) at Gap, but we finally got out of there with a couple pairs of pants and new panties. (went up a size in those too!) Luke was exhausted to say the least and I had to just have a seat in the dressing room because it was too overwhelming! He was tired because he always thinks when we are in a store he has to keep everyone in stitches, and it is like he goes through his entire comedy routine and I just stand in the dressing room rolling my eyes at every single old joke he throws out- the girls laugh because it's all a new routine to them! It's like being married to Chandler on friends! The more uncomfortable he gets, the more jokes! I do the same thing, but I am naturally funnier than him, effortless for me.

We are having the nursery painted this weekend, so pumped! We have our crib and can't wait to put it together. After dogging on people who spend too much on cribs, I ended up getting mine from Pottery Barn, but it was the only one we liked!(Thanks Jomama!) We will post pictures of the nursery as it progresses!

(feet in the morning, pretty normal)

(feet in the evening! YIKES!)


And we are deciding between two names, either Jackson Allen or Baylor Allen. Baylor is a new choice, and it is from one of my favorite books Ya Ya Sisterhood. Vivi's youngest son is named Baylor. But we think he will probably stay Jackson, because he is already used to it!

(me and the baby at 20 weeks!)

(and me and the baby today, at 21 weeks! Whoa Baby!)

Happy Labor Day Weekend!

19 weeks and 1 day today, we plan on using our labor day holiday to relax and find the right paint color for the nursery.


Here is my 19 week picture, I can't imagine I get even bigger, but word is I have only just begun!